Till the Summer’s Gone.

[I wrote this piece as a one-off for my Tumblr but I’ll post it here, too.]

Sometimes I still listen to the country music station because it reminds me of you. I was driving and on a whim, I turned the radio to the country station and I heard Till the Summer’s Gone. I don’t remember listening to that song a lot with you, but it hit me hard that night. I only knew the words to the chorus but I sang them like I was clinging to a life preserver.

I hate that you’re this presence that won’t go away. I’m done wanting you, but you’re not as easy to erase as I wanted to believe.

Just because it’s over doesn’t mean I stopped caring.

I know I hurt you. But you’re not innocent in this. I loved you so much. I hurt you. You broke me. I’m lucky that I know how to rebuild.

I’ve always been okay on my own. I worry about you sometimes, even though I probably shouldn’t. You’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.  But I think I’m different now. I think I’m colder now. I think I’m harder now. And I don’t know if I can accept love anymore without being cautious.

You wanted to break down my walls, but now I think they’re higher than they ever were before.

I’ve got thick skin, and an elastic heart

I’m struggling with the idea of being vulnerable.
My default stance is to let everyone in. I’m the kind of person who wants to share all of themselves right away. I think I’ve always been like that.

I don’t think I can do that anymore, though…at least, not right now.

I was fleshing out ideas for this post and I reached a point where I realized that I am not a trusting person anymore. I used to be someone who was so willing to share the details of my life, no matter how scary or intimate they may be. I don’t have the energy to do that anymore. 

It takes a lot out of you to open your heart and life up to another person; it might not seem like it, but it takes a lot of love, courage, and trust for that to happen. You never know how the other person is going to receive you, as you are, flaws and all. We all hope that the person we love will be accepting of us. And maybe they are, initially. But I’m so used to a reality where eventually, it all becomes too much for that person.

I’m not sure I’m in a place where I could accept love from another person without wondering if I’m making a mistake. I hate to be this person right now, but my heart is closed. My heart will always be open to the people who are currently in my life. But I don’t have room for anyone in the area of romantic interest.

To be honest, I don’t want to let anyone else into my life unless they add something truly amazing to it. I don’t have room in my heart for someone who’s just going to take and take from me until I have nothing left. I had a full life before I met him and now I have half finished pictures and missing pieces that I don’t have the strength to complete. I need to find myself again and I need it to be individual. I need to be a whole, not just half of something.

I know I’m strong. But I can’t find that strength right now. My heart is exhausted.

When you love someone

I think I should start off by saying that these are my opinions. I don’t know everything.  I haven’t gotten everything figured out. As of this moment, this is what makes the most sense to me.
I’ve been through several drafts of this post and each time I wrote out what I wanted to say, I considered a new viewpoint and had to backtrack.

This isn’t an easy post for me. I need to take a few dee
p breaths.

I don’t want to get into the messy details of my breakup, so for the purposes of establishing a brief context, I will provide details but only in limited quantities.

The problem was me. I overwhelmed him. My emotional issues were too much for him and he felt like he was constantly walking around eggshells around me. The stress of trying to get through to me became too much for him. What broke me is that this had happened before, and both times he hadn’t told me until it was too late.

This post started off as a study in how I felt like I was constantly giving all of myself in a relationship and not taking care of myself in the process, thus overwhelming the other person when I finally broke down.  I looked at it from the point of view of the girl who gave everything of herself and is always giving. I saw it from the eyes of someone who felt rejected, hurt and angry and needed to start putting herself before others. I thought that he wasn’t the right person for me because he couldn’t deal with me. But to only look at it from that perspective was limiting.

I’m sure there were times that he put aside his own stresses and problems to make sure I was feeling okay. I can’t assume that I was the only one giving of myself in the relationship. He must have felt very overwhelmed at the end, and I can’t be upset at him for that. Not everyone can handle the same amount of stress, especially not when they’ve been pushed to their breaking point.

I listened to a really good sermon by Craig Groeschel while attending church this past Sunday. In it, he mentions that in a relationship (specifically a marriage, but this can apply to unmarried couples as well, in the sense that you can practice this before you get married), you don’t really get to say that you don’t want to deal with feelings.

For a relationship to work, it can’t be measured in feelings; it needs to be measured by your level of commitment. Relationships aren’t about people going in at an equal amount and only to a certain point; they’re about being all in. Even if one person isn’t in at the level you want them to be, you can still make things work if you put God first, die to yourself and all your feelings and desires, and continually choose and pursue each other, even when you don’t feel like it. It won’t ever be easy. But he makes the point that giving up on a relationship because you feel like you’re out of love is like giving up on a car because it ran out of gas; you get what you put into it.

I understand that dating is different. I understand that while you’re dating, you still have the option of getting out without it having to be as big of a deal as a divorce. Obviously, it still hurts. But maybe it’s better to realize that things won’t work out at this stage than later.

Looking back, I don’t think he was going to be a partner for me. Hear me out; I’m not saying there wasn’t any potential for him to be that for me. I don’t say it maliciously, and I’m not implying that he didn’t or wouldn’t put in the effort. I loved him, and I’m sure he loved me. But I know for a fact that we weren’t putting God first in our relationship. I know that we were in different stages of life. I also know that near the end, we weren’t really talking about the important things anymore. We barely had time alone. I was starting to think that he didn’t feel like being in this relationship anymore.

He decided to end it. I would have worked at it more, but where would that have led if God wasn’t at the forefront of our relationship? We needed to be partners in this and we just weren’t at the end.

I did state earlier that even if only one person is in, things could still work; but I followed that off with a list of certain conditions. Those were not being met. I could give all of myself if I wanted to and I probably would have, but if I am not in the right place, we will be untied instead of united. I don’t think either of us were in the right place at the end.

 

I gave all I could, from the bottom of my tired, broken heart. He just wasn’t committed anymore. And maybe that was my fault for wearing him down. Or maybe things would have been different if we had communicated better, actively pursued each other, or had relied on God more in our relationship.  But that’s all wishful thinking, now.

It’s easy to say that the takeaway from all of this is that I need to take better care of myself so that I can adequately care for others but the truth of the matter is that none of this is about me. It’s not all about my needs being met and it’s not about self care and managing my stress levels better (though the last two points are important). Relationships are partnerships, and they will only work if both partners rely on God.

I don’t know how to end something like this because I’m not sure I even said everything I wanted to say. In lieu of a proper conclusion, I’m going to leave the link to the sermon here and hope that, if there are readers who are struggling in their marriages or relationships, this will help them.

Link here: Craig Groeschel: The Vow of Partnership  

Some girls, every day searching, keep the page turning.

I went on Tinder because I was curious.
Yeah, I know. That was a crazy thing to do after dating a guy for almost two years. I couldn’t help it, though. I am a curious person by nature. As Joey Tribbiani would say, “I’m as curious as…GEORGE!”

I met my ex-boyfriend online, but on a more serious dating site. I’m sure there are serious people on Tinder (I was just talking to one), but I’m going to go ahead and assume that the people on there aren’t necessarily looking for a long-term commitment.

I got addicted to the swiping, for sure. It’s intoxicating, knowing that there are so many options out there. It’s even more addicting knowing that some of these people have the chance of forming an attraction to you. 

(Side note: I wish I could write people’s profiles for them.  I’ve seen some truly awful ones in the short time I’ve been on Tinder.)

The disheartening part is when you match with people who don’t even bother saying anything to you, but I was prepared for that. As they say, “This isn’t my first rodeo.” I did start talking to someone but to make a long story short, we parted on good terms. It was the wrong time for me and anyone I would meet now wouldn’t have a chance of being anything but a rebound to me. 

I might keep Tinder on my phone. Will I take it seriously? Probably not. Will I keep looking? Maybe. But I’m slowly remembering (after almost two years of being in a committed relationship), that I don’t need to be with someone in order to be happy. If the app disappeared from my phone, I probably wouldn’t miss it. I’ll keep an open mind, sure. But for now, the heart is off limits. It’s time for a different kind of story. 

Thoughts seem to stumble out of my mouth.

I confess, I am an infrequent blogger.
I’m also a bit of a haphazard writer. I will probably eschew the proper conventions of writing in favour of writing in a style that mirrors how I speak. Once I start writing, it’s best that I don’t stop until every thought has been put to paper (or in this case, screen).

I don’t blog very much because I don’t feel like anyone would care to read what I’ve written. I suppose that’s not the point of blogging though, which is why I decided to start this as a little project for myself. I have been needing a bit of a creative outlet that isn’t drawing, so this is the next best thing for me.

I’m currently in a weird place. I was in a relationship for almost two years that ended less than a week ago. I’m considering gong back to school next year. I’m struggling in my relationship with God. I’m working at a job that brings me very little satisfaction. I’ve been in all these situations before (though never simultaneously), so this isn’t necessarily new to me. I feel like I’m floundering right now, though. I’m just not used to being here.

Anyway, that’s it for now. I don’t know how frequently I’ll be posting on here, but I’ll try to make a habit of it. This was an introduction of sorts.

I’ve decided to use appropriately themed song lyrics or quotes as my post titles. Do what you will with that tidbit.