I’m struggling with the idea of being vulnerable.
My default stance is to let everyone in. I’m the kind of person who wants to share all of themselves right away. I think I’ve always been like that.
I don’t think I can do that anymore, though…at least, not right now.
I was fleshing out ideas for this post and I reached a point where I realized that I am not a trusting person anymore. I used to be someone who was so willing to share the details of my life, no matter how scary or intimate they may be. I don’t have the energy to do that anymore.
It takes a lot out of you to open your heart and life up to another person; it might not seem like it, but it takes a lot of love, courage, and trust for that to happen. You never know how the other person is going to receive you, as you are, flaws and all. We all hope that the person we love will be accepting of us. And maybe they are, initially. But I’m so used to a reality where eventually, it all becomes too much for that person.
I’m not sure I’m in a place where I could accept love from another person without wondering if I’m making a mistake. I hate to be this person right now, but my heart is closed. My heart will always be open to the people who are currently in my life. But I don’t have room for anyone in the area of romantic interest.
To be honest, I don’t want to let anyone else into my life unless they add something truly amazing to it. I don’t have room in my heart for someone who’s just going to take and take from me until I have nothing left. I had a full life before I met him and now I have half finished pictures and missing pieces that I don’t have the strength to complete. I need to find myself again and I need it to be individual. I need to be a whole, not just half of something.
I know I’m strong. But I can’t find that strength right now. My heart is exhausted.